Looking for love
lina's life, vol. 17 | nature + art + movement + thoughts
From time to time, I think about how, years ago, every day someone cleaned my hair from the shower drain. I was unaware how it would collect. At the time I only wore glasses and (like most folks) I didn’t wear them in the shower. This hair clump retrieval and disposal went on for over a year. It was never mentioned it to me. When I realized that my hair would do this, I realized what he had been doing for me. I asked him about it. He, unbothered, kindly confirmed that yes, he had been the one to pick up my hair from the drain. In general, he rarely verbally expressed his feelings. When I think of him doing this daily, I wish to know all of the other acts of love when we were together that I didn’t notice. How much I missed when I was not paying attention.
Every now and then, I think about how, years ago, someone walked to my home to visit me with high frequency (the ease of living within walking distance of one another). He often brought photographs he developed and printed, treats, or something else equally as thoughtful. I waited by my window to see him strolling down Evaline Street. Upon seeing each other, we sent up air kisses and other acknowledgments at a distance until he reached my porch. We did the same when he left, until we were out of eyesight. It felt old school™ and we delighted in this sweetness.
There was a great deal of goodness in our relationship, which tapped a deep part of my soul, undiscovered until he came into my life. I profoundly understood every love story ever told while in this relationship. Life could really be like the movies. He was someone I seldom grew tired of. If I was a new age spiritual girlie, I would say he was my twin flame. To be seen felt like the greatest love of all. However, there were many things purposefully and unintentionally hidden behind the curtains of his life. I missed this while in the bliss. The more I started to notice, the more that disenchantment visited my doorstep. Was I deceived by him, or was I not paying close enough attention? Was the entire relationship an illusion?
Recently, I have been paying closer attention. I have been looking for love, and what I have found has been undeniable. Yesterday, a kind exchange with a neighbor. That was love. Dad brushing snow off my car before I head back to Detroit in an icy nighttime flurry. Love. Mary tending to stray cats and dogs in the city. My boss Katie working on the weekends. Hearing from my bedroom, Madeleine laughing joyfully on the phone with her sister. Coffee and climbing catch-ups with Christina. Cards in the mail from aunts. Long calls and texts from Joe. Rosie’s care with her patients. Zoe building community. Evan teaching new rock climbers at the gym. Banter with Jesse. Maria’s resilience. Matt’s dedication. Hannah’s passion. Lauryn’s leadership. Mom’s encouragement. There’s a million other love sightings I could list, and I am fortunate to be surrounded by love daily, whether it be for me or for others. Taking time to notice this has been healing.
More I’m paying attention to:
Nature
Soaking up sherbet sunrises on my way to the climbing gym
Art
Reading every day, AKA, taking my brain for a walk
Decking out a heart-shaped cake at my first cake decorating class
Crying while watching this Oscar short-listed doc about a patient swim teacher, instructing young ones learning how to swim for the first time. If you have 20 minutes to spare, watch this immediately:
Movement
Attending weekly yoga classes after a multiple-year hiatus
Stretching before bed every night
Love,
Lina